(Part 5 of Navigating Men's Midlife)
When men reach their midlife and also start to experience the andropause’s physiological, neurological, emotional and spiritual changes, there is a need to develop new capabilities. The diffuse changes can be confusing and irritating, and it affects how we see ourselves and how we interact with other people. We have no past experience to draw upon, and also no playbook, so it is up to ourselves to create our path.
To be able to work constructively with midlife, we must expand;
Expand our capacity to feel the new feelings.
Expand our awareness of ourselves and our context.
Expand our ability to make distinctions, so that we can make sense.
Expand our (inner) language and conversation, so that that we can create new meaning.
None of these expansions will emerge miraculously when we hit any of the midlife birthdays. Rather it is an inner exploration and learning journey over several years. The process runs in waves, sometimes it is inspiring, and some days are just depressing. Men can have mood-swings too.
The midlife process is an integral part of our life, while we work hard, take care of our families and it is a process of “Upgrading while in full operation”. The world does not stop turning, just to make it easier for us to do our inner work without distractions.
Upgrade the ability to feel what we feel.
Midlife is full of new emotions, feelings and moods that can be confusing or even scary. But just because it is something we do not yet understand, it does not mean that we are wrong or on the wrong path. Instead of seeing these new emotions, feelings and moods as unconditionally true, rather we can choose to see them as signals we can work with.
EMOTIONS: Occur subconsciously as a reaction to a momentary experience.
FEELINGS: Are interpretations, a “filtered” mental response to what we experience.
MOODS: Are a generalized aggregation of what we experience, feel and think over time.
Our mood is particularly interesting to look deeper into, as it is the inner context we have in our life at a given time, and it therefore informs the way we see ourselves, the world and how we interact. It is a little like the “weather of the soul”: Just imagine how you are when you are in a mood of irritation.
To better work with moods, it can be helpful to categorize them:
A mood of opposition can make us close down, resist, resign and fear. It creates defensiveness and drain our resources in a destructive way.
A mood of acceptance, however, open us up with curiosity, ownership, agency and ambition. It enables us to be more constructive and self-confident.
In an earlier essay, I shared the story of Kristof, the senior leader who had a self-narrative (or master assessment of himself) of being “Fifty, fat and finished”. In our work together, he described his mood as “disheartened grumpiness spiralling down”, which obviously is not a good mental state to be in.
One surprising way he worked to change his mood, was to look at it (and himself) from a comical angle, seeing how bizarre his mood made him think and act. We developed an atmosphere of lightness in our conversations, and by exploring his emotions and mood from an entirely new perspective, he started to realize ways for him to shift his thinking and mood towards ownership, constructive action and ambition instead.
When working with your moods, it helps to describe the mood beyond the typical generalizations of “good” and “bad”. Be creative about it, create a short sentence that describes the mood, and try to make it as vivid as possible. Both if it is positive or negative.
Upgrade the ability to become aware.
Behind Kristof’s mood of “disheartened grumpiness spiralling down” was a self-narrative of being “Fifty, fat and finished”. In ontological coaching we call this a “master assessment”, because it is an assessment about ourselves that permeates our whole being. Kristof realized that his master assessment severely impacted his mood, but he found it difficult to fully give it up. He was indeed above 50, and had gained weight, so the evidences were there.
But then he started realizing two things: At early 50s, he still has 15-20 years runway before his retirement, which is plenty of time to create a new life. In fact, he had the same amount of time available, as when counting back to when he was 32-37… He started seeing that he can do a lot with this time.
He also realized that he was thinking in terms of “what is practicable”, based on bringing up his young children. But now, with 50 and with older kids, the need for practicability was no longer the same. His life lens changed towards “how to make impracticable things possible”, utilizing the new freedom he had not realized he had and shedding limiting expectations he had to himself. For him, it was a significant breakthrough.
Becoming differently aware of oneself and one’s context, and create possibilities instead of being caught in negativity, it helps to approach it with lightness, and observe oneself from a “balcony 10 meters above”. The literal outsider view makes it easier to see new perspectives and be creative.
Upgrade the ability to make distinctions.
Through the process, Kristof also learned to make new distinctions. He questioned the story he was telling himself, he noticed that some of the specific words he used were not helpful for him, he became aware of what is at stake for him and his family, and he started realizing what he was missing in his life and himself.
So-far, he had been doing all the inner work in his head, but when he started using a Moleskine to capture his reflections, it all of the sudden became much more tangible and easier to work with. The moleskine became his go-to resource, where he would revisit old notes, add to them and build his new identity. He even started writing short poems and create some drawings. He had upgraded his ability to make distinctions, and opened up a new way of creatively understanding himself and be constructive about his life.
Upgrade the inner language and conversation.
Another key element of navigating midlife, is to use our language more consciously – both when we speak with others, and ourselves. Yes, we all speak with ourselves, and the stuff we tell ourselves creates us and our reality. Becoming aware of our linguistic patterns and preferences is a powerful start to create ourselves and our context in a new way.
No mind is silent.
If you do not hear anything, you aren’t paying enough attention, or you don’t like what you hear.
Try again.
When you listen carefully to your inner conversations, what do you hear? What is the story you tell yourself? Which specific words do you hear? Write them down in your moleskine, and reflect on how it all influences your emotions and moods. By doing this, you increase your awareness, create new distinctions and open the door for inner development.
When you listen to your inner voice, it is worthwhile to realize if you ask yourself questions, or if you make more statements to yourself. It is easy to misunderstand the statements we tell ourselves as an assertion of truth, where it is in fact often merely a (negative) assessment or judgement of ourselves (negatively). When we ask ourselves questions, however, we create the opportunity to discover new perspectives and solutions instead, and thereby harvest new material to constructively work with. Again, when approaching this inner work with lightness, you may be surprised about the new answers that emerge.
For many it is also helpful to work on their “emotional literacy” and create a new depth in their emotional distinctions. One way of doing this, is through a simple feel wheel as the one below. If you want to go even deeper, I can recommend the book The Field Guide to Emotions, which dives into a detailed description of 150 emotions.
The power of intention.
When doing the inner midlife work, what is your intention? If it is to reconfirm yourself and your narrative, that’s OK. If that is what serves you best, go ahead. But be aware, that by looking for reconfirmation only, you may well be wasting an unique opportunity for personal growth, new leadership impact and creating a legacy.
Maybe the midlife chaos is the last big transformational opportunity you get in life.
As always, please do not understand this essay and the recommendations as a blueprint, but rather as inspiration for what is possible in the midlife journey.
I hope you enjoyed the read.
Yours
Henrik