(Part 4 of Navigating Men's Midlife)
He came onboard as the new regional SVP with the objective to fundamentally transform the business and organization. With an impressive resume, proven results; It seemed logical to step into this expanded role, and make a dream come true. The stars had aligned, helped by his deep business acumen and hard work. The family was also doing great, no need to worry. With 43 he was on a great trajectory.
But then, out of nowhere, self-doubt creeps in.
“Can I really do this?
It may be too big a mouthful for me.”
He started doubting himself and his abilities, feeling his self-confidence crumble in a new way.
Adrian got hit by a phenomenon; The dip in an early mid-lifer’s level of self-confidence. And the timing could not have been worse.
But when you consider the timing of this confidence dip, it is actually less surprising than it first seems.
Early midlife is the time where the body starts to ache, we have less raw power than before and restitution takes longer. We feel physically weaker. New existential questions come up, to which we have not yet answers. It is a spiritual challenge. The mood swings, emotions want to be heard, the emotional balance is off. And, the elevated position and high expectations in the new company can even generate a sense of loneliness. That’s a lot to deal with.
So, how can you not start doubting and believing less in yourself?
OVERCOMING THE MIDLIFE SELF-CONFIDENCE DIP.
Now is not the time to start to panic and overreact. With a big responsibility in a new job, and with a family that has moved to a different country, Adrian must keep his cool. Do some inner work, while in full operation. Because in midlife, it is normal to experience new emotions, mood swings and irritation, and not knowing how to deal with it. It can be baffling, and difficult to verbalize what’s going on.
It can help to reframe the emotions as signals, observe them and start connecting it to what happens in your body and in your context (the reality). Check in with yourself, become aware what’s churning inside of you, and how you are emotionally affected by the things happening around you. As difficult as it may be with a full schedule, make sure that you get enough rest, downtime, positive experiences and healthy food. Remember, you will not be very effective, if you are not taking care of yourself.
In Adrian’s situation it can be tempting to think that “building resilience” will help. But in my view, this is not what Adrian’s situation is about. He has probably been resilient 1000s of times in his life already, so he knows how to be resilient. Instead, he can focus on intentionally build confidence, optimism and hope. To build forward directed capacities that can generate energy, imagination and agency.
11 distinctions of “Self-confidence”.
When you start feeling your belief in yourself evaporates, your voice getting thinner and you think in terms of self-protection only, then it’s about time to have a serious look at your self-confidence. But let’s do so with a mindset-of imagination, expanding the concept of “self-confidence” with more distinctions and nuances.
The many forms of Self-confidence.
Self-confidence can be our mental stance towards the future, a bridge into the future or the inner belief that you can do or achieve something specific.
It can also be a volatile fuel that requires regular top up. It is scientifically confirmed that it is an antidepressant, with positive effects on immune system and neuro pathways. It makes us think and feel better.
Origins of Self-confidence.
Self-confidence can be externally motivated, as a gauge (or sociometer) of what we think other people think of us. It can also be the internal trust that we have in our own abilities. Most people are a mix of both.
It can grow out of action, and action can grow out of self-confidence.
It is both earned and learned, and deeply connected with your sense of self-acceptance, self-awareness, self-worth and self-respect.
It can grow through your sense of mastery, achievement and application of your strengths.
It can be fostered through a positive inner language, by reframing anxiety into excitement and by accepting own imperfections.
It can be fostered out of a sense of autonomy, knowing that we have choices and that we are not at other’s will.
Upsides of Self-confidence
Self-confidence is intimately interconnected with our sense of optimism, hope, imagination and courage, and can create an upwards positive spiral. This is what can make personal development work with Growth Mindset and Psychological Capital interventions so effectful.
It enables inner mobilization of resources, ownership and agency, which enables action, which enables even more inner mobilization. Again, a positive upward spiral.
It is contagious, a way to influence others or to be influenced by others.
Downsides of Self-confidence
It can be a distorting lens, where an over-estimation of self can lead to hubris.
When we see more distinctions and nuances in “Self-confidence”, we create more options to chose from. As we become more aware of these choices, we can rebuild our sense of ownership and agency, and are less in a mindset of victimhood.
In my inner world, Self-confidence is the wind. Being the captain of my boat, I can choose to turn my sails into the wind - or not.
As always, please do not understand this essay as a blueprint, but rather as inspiration for what is possible in the midlife journey. I hope you enjoyed the read.
Yours,
Henrik